I went back
and fell asleep
my dreams peaceful – they were not meant to be.
Haunted of you
your quizzical gaze
the girl you now see confuses you.
She was rigid – No fun you thought
Too straight-laced
You might have never lived up.
Now you watch her
cross legged on the floor
Vodka with ice
bottoms up with the boys
She drags on a pallmall
to calm her nerves.
Futile.
Love?
You left behind.
I sift the coco.
It slips through my fingers,
powdery granules,
delicately divine,
yet, bad for the heart.
I’m left behind,
with stained chocolate fingers,
and a jar of maraschino,
not daring to taste,
or wipe away temptation.
Taste and my heart dearly will pay,
and to wipe, I know not how.
I guess it was easy,
to have the words roll off your tongue.
Tell them about us – myself and him.
I hope it brought you peace,
when you told them “I’m happy for her”
when you said “She’s so mature, I’d never live up”
I don’t fucking care.
But I do miss you,
now that you’re scarce,
and I wish,
that just for a day,
we can have just one more evening,
of quiet conversation and easy being,
before I drop out of the race,
and call it quits,
coz I’m tired and guilty,
of lying to home.
I might write,
randomly about you,
think of things you’d do,
and compare what you wouldn’t.
I’d be ok, with all your flaws,
with all your nonchalance,
but with him, no room for mistakes,
I’m an unforgiving woman,
and for that, you, I loathe.
You’re out of my head,
out of my mind,
you come back,
with a rush of memories,
with a barrage of occurrences,
that I seemed to have missed,
and I feel helpless,
knowing you keep away,
coz I’d rather have you there,
even with her,
than not at all.
So you’re going through with it.
What you said you never would,
touch with a barge pole,
Now you hold close at night.
Burn all the bridges.
Make it quick.
Beat me to the end,
for closures sake.
Last night I saw you, it’s been a while. I said I couldn’t remember your face, it’s been that long.You came in with your casual grace. Generally you’d sit down next to me,but you remembered that protocol was now different, so you moved away to the cane chair right across my seat. I willed myself not to let you get to me, but you did.
The orange in my lap was my buoy. Keeping me afloat when the magnitude of your presence tried to drown me. Those few minutes I learnt how to peel an orange without breaking the perfect circular rind. A fiery sunset orange blazing in my lap. I sliced it in circles, dropping a perfect sliver into his drink. It sunk to the bottom of the glass, drowning in a sea of dark liquid. You were talking, you’ve always been entertaining. You remind me of Chandler Bing, expressions and all.
The next few words spiralled out of my mouth without a seconds thought. Something about bumpy landings and it offended you. Possibly because I’ve always been supportive of what you do. I still am. Forgive the momentary angst. The long injured look was lost on me, perhaps I felt smug. I don’t know, but it was refreshing.
He will kiss me. Sometimes right in front of you. He’s not afraid to show his emotions, unlike some men who proclaim never to take initiative. Don’t get all fidgety, don’t run your hands through your hair like that. It’s unbecoming, you’ll give yourself away. This secret you’ve kept to yourself for so long. Bring her name up every time he holds me around the waist or reaches over to fix my drink. If it rubs salve into your wounds, I’ll play along. After all, two can play that game. I learnt from the best.
He watches her.
She watches him back.
He looks away when he touches her leg,
Kisses her nose.
Runs a careless finger over her collarbone.
He watches him caress her cheek
she cradles her face in his palm
tilts her head and catches him watching
She gets up, feeling his eyes on her exposed back
Soft tendrils of hair cascading down her spine
her long neck,
She turns
He looks at her directly
intensity in a moment
encapsulated, unspoken.
She looks him in the eye
and takes her due place
away from him.
He turns and drags on his cigarette.
She puts on her most convincing smile
and lights her own.
So you want to meet today?
By the beach?
For a drink?
No thank you,
I’m meeting someone else.
Run along now
meet the crowd
why don’t you bring her with you?
your trophy lover.
Are you afraid
she’ll never measure up?
